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I came to cars late in life, passing my driving test on the eighth attempt just after my 40th birthday. I'm a happy driver, and despite the many dangers I feel relatively safe driving in Spain. It's where I learnt. It's what I'm used to. My patient-as-Job driving instructor taught me to drive defensively and for that I will always be grateful. I'm not going to make excuses for the aversion the Spanish have towards indicating, or to their love of tailgating, or to their 'creative' way of parking; but it's no good griping, you've just got to, er, take the bull by the horns and get stuck in. And remember, there are two things that make driving more pleasurable than in the UK, less road rage (horn honking and yelling unmentionable things at you about your mother don't count) and miles and miles of wide empty roads. Happy driving.
Adelantar Overtake. Like anywhere else really, but remember, you must never overtake where there is a single or double solid white line. Oh, and triple check in the mirror for the dot in the distance that whizzes by you at 98 zillion miles an hour as you swerve back into your lane and miss several heartbeats.
Autopista / autovía Motorway / dual carriageway. Twenty years in Spain and I still have to think twice about which is which. To the untrained eye they can look quite similar, but autopistas are generally faster, have wider lanes, a wider hard shoulder and do not admit any unmotorised vehicles.
Banda Sonora A speed bump is not a 'sleeping Guardia Civil' but a banda Sonora. Beware; they come in all shapes and suspension-wrecking sizes, often without warning.
Carnet de conducir Driving licence. A Spanish driver's license must be renewed every ten years until the age of 45, every five years from 45-70 and every two years after that. Each time you renew your licence you must have a medical examination. Mostly to make sure you can still see (see R).
Carnet de puntos Since 2006 Spain has had a points system in place. Everybody (except novice drivers) started out with 12 points. If you can manage three years without upsetting the municipal police or the Guardia Civil you can win back points or earn extra ones.
Depósito Retrieving you car from the depósito municipal or car pound will cost anything up to €140, not to mention the corresponding parking fine of around €80, plus the fare for the taxi you'll need to take you there. Ouch.
Examinador Should you be brave enough to take your driving test in Spain, be warned that driving examiners are, above all, standard-issue funcionarios (civil servants). During the test, he or she sits in the back, chats to your instructor, mumbles the odd instruction, and regards you, if at all, as an obstacle to an early lunch.
Flashear It is illegal, of course, but many drivers still flash their headlights to warn of an upcoming police presence or speed trap on the motorway. You are expected to do the same.
Glorieta Roundabout, also called rotunda. Most drivers can cope with the main rule of giving way to traffic on the left. After that, it's a bit of a free for all. Circulating on the inside lane, then cutting across to exit, often without indicating, seems to be the way (not) to go.
GPS Not Sat Nav in Spanish but ghay-pay-eh-say.
Grúa The truck that tows away your illegally-parked car while you drop off your child / queue for medicine / buy some flowers for your sick granny.
Hora Punta Thanks to the siesta and the fact that civil servants work from 8am-3pm, Spain spends most of the day in rush hour, from around 7.30-9.30am, and then again from 1.30-8.30pm - with just maybe an hour's lull somewhere in the middle.
Intermitente Indicator, the lack of use of which is guaranteed to have you tearing your hair out. Watch out in particular for vehicles turning right without warning and for lorries moving into the fast lane on the motorway almost as an afterthought.
ITV (Pronounced ee-tay-OO-vay). Inspección Técnica de Vehículos and the Spanish equivalent of the MOT. On a new car it's four years before you are required to roll up at your local ITV depot, take a number, and wait nine hours to put your car through the hoops – yes, it's you, not the trained mechanic, who bakes, beeps the horn, squirts the windscreen wipers etc.
ITVM Impuesto sobre Vehículos de Tracción Mecánica; in a nutshell, road tax. The good news is that it's way cheaper than the UK. The tax is levied locally and varies from town to town.
Izquierda Left. Turning left on a busy city road seems like a manoeuvre only someone with a death wish would attempt - until you notice the semi-circular slip roads off to the right. These are regulated by traffic lights and allow you to cross the main road at right angles.
Jabelí Apart from the usual suspects you might encounter driving through rural areas (deer, rabbits, foxes, goat herder + sheepdog + 9000 goats, etc.) do watch out for the seriously heavyweight wild boar. Hit one of these and you'll be glad you went for the collision-damage waiver on your hire car.
L (eh-lay) L-plate. White on a green background. In Spain you are only awarded your beep-at-me-I'm-an-idiot sticker when you pass your test, not before. It stays on your rear windscreen for one year, during which time you may not drive faster than 80 kph. Right.
Multa Fine. Non-residents can be spot fined up to €300 for a range of traffic offences. Residents will be sent a boletín de denuncia specifying the offence and the fine. Driving or passengering without a seatbelt, talking on a mobile phone or obstructive parking will earn you around €150. Pay within 15 days of notification, though, and you get a 30 per cent discount. Yippee.
Normas Rules and regulations in the Spanish Highway Code, of which there are almost 700. Signed up to take your driving test over here? Then get ready to memorise tons of really useful stuff: the internal workings of the combustion engine, how to treat five different types of hemorrhage, the maximum speed of an electric lawn-mower on a dual carriageway, and so on.
Obras Roadworks, marked by yellow and red traffic signs, and possibly a chap in brightly-coloured overalls waving a flag.
Paseo de peatones Pedestrian crossing. He/she should be so lucky. Look right, look left, look right again, then glare defiantly, step out and hold your hand up King Canute style, just in case.
Prueba de alcoholémia Breathalyser test. The police can and do carry out spot checks. Depending on how much you are over the limit you will receive a hefty fine, lose points, and have your licence taken off you for a minimum of three months. Note that the alcohol limit is 0.5g /l.blood, as opposed to 0.8/l.blood in the UK.
Quinto pino / cristo / coño The place you end up when the Sat Nav sends you on a wild goose chase, i.e., the middle of nowhere. The phrases translate somewhat inscrutably – and in decreasing order of politeness - as 'the fifth pine tree/Christ /unmentionable female body part'.
Radares Speed cameras. Although there are new ones springing up all the time, there are just over 500 in Spain compared to 6000 in the UK.
Revisión médica Medical check-up. As a resident, if you decide to keep your UK license you must still hold a medical certificate, the same as a Spanish national. The check-ups are held at special clinics, and rigorous they are not. Mine went like this: read a chart of letters, keep a ball between two moving lines on a prehistoric computer screen, get asked if I have any serious illnesses or addictions, say no, sign a piece of paper, and hand over the dosh (around €35).
Señales de tráfico Traffic signs are – mostly – European and standardized. Watch out for local variations, though, like the pedestrian crossing signs now graced by pony-tailed, skirt-wearing stick figures after an 'attack' on gender imbalance by some town councils.
Triángulo de peligro You must, by law, carry two red warning triangles in the boot. If you have a breakdown on the motorway, place one of them – wearing your please-don't-mow-me-down reflective waistcoat – 50 metres ahead of the vehicle. On roads with two-way traffic, place one behind and one in front of the car.
Única, calle de dirección One-way street. You might never guess it but parking in one-way streets should be in the same direction as the traffic flow.
Velocidad maxima The maximum speed limit is 120 kph on motorways and most dual carriageways. Although speeding is a heavily finable, point-losing offence, stick to the limit and be prepared to be passed by everything but the trundling 'L' cars from autoescuela (driving school).
www.dgt.es The website of the Dirección General de Tráfico with all the information – in Spanish – that you could ever wish to know about traffic laws, road safety, types of licence, etc.
eXceso de velocidad In a survey by the Spanish RAC, just under 70 per cent of drivers said they regularly drive over the speed limit. The other 30 per cent were lying.
Zona de descanso Rest area or service station. One of the joys of long-distance driving in Spain is that most service station restaurants serve great homemade grub at reasonable prices.
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